Learning & Growing

One of my main focuses for this year is short-term medical teams. Youth World has a few ministries that work with short-term teams and they have done frankly a fantastic job at making sure we’re following best practices to create experiences that are positive, healthy, and sustainable for *everyone* involved. However, short-term medical teams come with a different level of risk than standard short-term teams and we haven’t previously had any health professionals on the team who could speak into that specific risk and create best practices to account for them.

 

There’s a Maya Angelou quote that I absolutely love and quote all the time which says, “Do your best until you know better, then do better.” I really believe this quote is true and I try hard to strive for that, but part of that process is realizing that what you did, while it may have been your best at the time, wasn’t the best and may have even been wrong or hurtful. And that is a tough realization. Especially in ministry there’s a great temptation to hide any hurts we cause and focus solely on the wins. But the truth is that's a temptation from the enemy. Yes, my newsletters curated because there’s only so much I can say in a quick email. But I hope that they’re always truthful. There is a huge difference between “editing for length and clarity” (as all the interviews say) and curating a story to hide from the truth.

 

So that brings us to now, with Youth World and short-term medical teams. Last month I went with a college team to a clinic to observe and share with our ministry running the team about what went well and what process we can/need to improve. It was a really sweet team full of young women who were excited and caring and honestly very capable for where they are at in their studies. However, there were some really concerning things happening at the clinic, too. One of our new Ecuadorian hosts was on the team and she said, “it feels like this is more about the students than the patients.” Ouch. There’s a big part of me that did *not* want to write that sentence. Because that is not what we’re about at Youth World. But we can’t learn and grow if we never face those criticisms. And I can’t lean on you all to hold me accountable if I’m not honest about both our failures and our successes.

Let’s be clear. Focusing more on the students than the patients is a failure on our part. But going back to that Maya Angelou quote, failure isn’t shameful. It’s an opportunity for growth and improvement. We’ve been doing short-term medical teams with the best of intentions, but sometimes those good intentions aren’t enough. Sometimes those good intentions can lead to actively harmful actions. So we seek out feedback and we apologize and we make changes for the future. Which is where we are now. I’m thankful to be part of a ministry and a team that values doing better once we know better. And I’m so thankful that our team actively seeks to learn what the best practices are. And now we start the hard and long work of doing better. Thank you for your support on that eternal journey.

Giving Thanks in Difficult Seasons

Welcome to the Thanksgiving season, where we all talk about the things we’re grateful for. ‘Tis the season and all that. But why should we be grateful? Many of you know that the past month and a half has been really tough for me. From babies passing away far too young, to multiple dear friends receiving difficult diagnoses, to the mundane issues of life like car problems, I’ve been reeling for weeks. And yet, I still choose to say, “I will praise the Lord.”

Why??? Nothing about this seems to make sense. I certainly haven’t *felt* like giving thanks much these past several weeks. And yet my soul still cries out to God in worship. Because thankfully (hehe), my reasons for giving thanks are not about my situation or circumstances. When things are going well I certainly have more reason to be thankful, but my thankfulness is not a response to my circumstances. Instead, my thankfulness is in response to God’s character. It is a position and an attitude that I choose because of who he is. And since his character is unchanging, my thankfulness should be as well.

God is loving and kind and merciful and gracious and good and so much more. He is my comforter in times of trouble, my rock and my safe fortress. I can trust him because I know that his heart breaks at the iniquities of this world even more than mine does AND he has a plan for restoring all things at the proper moment. He sees me and knows me, even better than I know myself, and he does not turn away. When the world around me shifts and breaks, he does not. His character does not. And because of that, because of who he is, I will give thanks.

 

Habakkuk 3:17-18

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines,

though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.

Helping vs. Enabling: Does it Even Matter?

 [Originally posted on GoCorps blogs on May 28, 2021]

Over the last several months, we as a staff have been struggling with this question as it pertained to a particular participant in our program. She has been with us for over 5 years, and while we’ve seen remarkable growth in some areas, she is still struggling with others, particularly with following through on commitments. And so we’ve worked with her time and again, offering techniques and tools, freely giving grace and forgiveness when she confesses of a fault. Yet, the question is always there: are we really helping this woman, or are we just enabling her?

This question comes from a good place. We want to be good stewards of the resources God has given to us and not to harm our participants in our question to help them. But as I’ve been processing through this dilemma over the last several weeks, I’m starting to think that we’re asking the wrong question altogether. The question of if we’re helping or enabling is based off of a result. Does her behavior change or not? But in this life, we’re really not in control of the result of just about anything. And God doesn’t expect us to be. What God does expect of us is to be obedient, to walk with him in the process and to leave the results up to him (John 14:23).

So instead, I’m choosing to ask a new question, one that applies to every situation we will face as a team, and to every situation in my own life: God, what are you asking me to do in this scenario? How can I be obedient to your voice? I may eventually take the same action that I would choose when I was asking myself if I was helping or enabling. I may not. Honestly, it ultimately doesn’t matter. Because the point is that it redirects the focus from the result to the process, from earthly expectations to godly ones, and that will always be the right decision.

The Many Versions of Love

 [Originally posted on GoCorps blogs on February 15, 2021]

Yesterday the United States celebrated Valentine’s Day and Ecuador celebrated día de amor y amistad (day of love and friendship), and it got me thinking about all the different forms of love there are in this world. There’s romantic love, familial love, platonic love…and then there’s all the things we call love but really aren’t, like lust.

All the true types of love are beautiful and necessary for fullness of life, but none of them can compare to the perfect love that God has for us. This kind of love, called agape love, is (by one definition) the selfless, sacrificial, and unconditional love God demonstrates for humanity. This is love given in a way that we as humans are not capable of and yet every one of us as humans crave. So we look to friends, family, significant others to fill this void within us, but they will never be able to do that. Only God has the capacity to love us with agape love. And what joy! He delights to love us with his agape love.

Agape love is life-changing. While we cannot fully show agape love because only God is capable of that level of selflessness and sacrificiality, this is the kind of love we try to show the women and children in End Slavery Ministries Ecuador. The kind of love that most of our participants never imagined was real, even if it's what they've craved their whole lives. God knows I'm not perfect at it, but I hope and I pray that the love we show to our participants is enough for them to believe that God's love, which is so much greater, actually exists and can exist for them. If we love them, then maybe God can love them, too (I fully realize this is backwards, we love because God first loved us, but to our participants who have been shown so little love in their lives, understanding often comes in this order). And if God loves them and we love them, maybe they can love themselves. Maybe they are worthy of love and respect.

It breaks my heart to see these beautiful women and children not understand how precious they are. It's such a long, difficult process for them to even begin to grasp their worth. But that process is so important and I will take every opportunity to show them that they are loved and are worthy of love. I'm grateful that Valentine's Day in Ecuador doesn't just celebrate romantic love, because it gives me one more opportunity to remind our participants that there are so many who love them, both perfectly and imperfectly.

Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Ministry of Love

 [Originally posted at GoCorps blogs May 25th, 2020]

When I was deciding whether or not to accept this placement in Ecuador, there was one major fear holding me back.  I couldn’t speak Spanish!  And to me, in my earthly understanding, this felt like a hard stop.  So much of nursing, not to mention so much of working with vulnerable populations, is about communication.  I am so careful of the words I use and their connotations. I could not imagine working in a different language where I was unfamiliar with the implications of the words I was using.  And yet, as God made it clear that he was still opening this door to me despite my utter lack of Spanish skills, I took a breath and changed my focus, though not my underlying assumptions.  Instead of saying no because I was unqualified, I prayed to God to make a way.  I prayed for what I called “an Acts 2 moment” where the Holy Spirit would come upon me and enable me to speak perfect Spanish.  This, I thought, would allow me to do my work in Ecuador well.

That didn’t happen.  Instead, my journey with Spanish has been much more mundane.  I spent countless hours both before and after arriving in Ecuador studying the language.  Bit by bit, I’ve learned an incredible amount of a language that I’m coming to appreciate more and more.  But I’m still not fluent in the language.  I still don’t know all the connotations or implications of different words.  I still can’t communicate in a professional manner and I can’t offer beautiful sounding consolations to someone in pain.

And that bothers me occasionally, but I’m starting to realize that my perspective about Spanish and language barriers has been all wrong.  I’ve been looking at language barriers as just that, the barrier that will keep me from doing God’s will for me here in Ecuador.  But at our staff meeting the other week, our director said something that transformed my viewpoint.  She said, “God, thank you for Julie and her ministry of love.”  Not my ministry of health or healing, but my ministry of love. 

The more I pondered that phrase, the more my perspective shifted.  I love the women of Casa Adalia and their children.  I love them so much that I want the very best for them and I want to be able to do my best for them.  I want to speak the language perfectly and give them all the right advice and have all the right words to say.  But the heart behind those actions is more important than the actions themselves.  These women and children have opened their hearts to me, not because I could speak their language or because I had something to offer them, but because I opened my heart to them.

 

“If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.” 1 Corinthians 13:1

 

This doesn’t mean that I stop studying Spanish.  In fact, I just spent 3 week of quarantine taking daily online Spanish classes!  The truth is that I am more effective when I’m working in a language I understand and can communicate in well.  But what it does mean is that I spend less time feeling shame over my faults and failures and more time loving as well as I am able.  Love transcends language, and ultimately, love is why I’m here.

 

“By this everyone will know that you are my disciples; if you love one another.” John 13:35

The Eternal Struggle

"I believe.  Help me in my unbelief."

Most of the time, I like to live in my make-believe world where I’m in control of my life and the situations I find myself in.  But every once in a while, like this week, God pulls the wool from over my eyes and I am reminded of just how little I actually have control over.  During those glimpses into reality, I can feel the anxiety building within me: the tightening in my chest, the whirring of my thoughts.

And yet in those moments, God, who is so gracious, never fails to remind me that He is with me, that He is and has been in control this whole time, that I can trust Him.  And my response is almost always that of the man in Mark 9:24.  “I believe.  Help me in my unbelief.”  I know that what God tells me is true.  I know that it is far better to let go and trust Him with my very self.  And yet, there is a strong part of me that rebels against that.  It rebels because of sin, yes, but mostly because of fear.  It is absolutely terrifying to face the reality that I am not and can never be fully in control, even as I recognize that I am not the one who should be in control.

Yet God is so incredibly gracious and patient with me, because each time I make this request of Him, He does.  God never gives up on me or even rebukes me for my unbelief.  He honors my heart, which desires to let go of the overwhelming fear and choose to have faith in him.  He holds my hand and whispers to me His promises over and over again: that He is with me, that He will never let go, that I can trust in Him.

And for a moment, I believe.

This is a time and season of great uncertainty.  Fear will assault each of us in different ways.  But each time we are assaulted, we have a choice to make.  Belief and unbelief live within each of us.  Which will we choose to fight, and which will we choose to embrace?

For the Love of Comfort

For the last 20ish years of my life, I’ve been learning how to be a competent, productive member of society.  And I feel like I’ve been pretty successful at that.  So the question is, what do I do now that I’m in a place where 90% of my competency has been stripped away?

I moved to a new country just over a month ago and it has been one of my most humbling, difficult experiences of my life.  When I got here, my level of communication in Spanish was roughly that of a semi-literate toddler (or at least it felt that way to me!).  I couldn’t get around on my own, go to the grocery store, or hold a basic conversation with anyone, much less use any of the professional skills that I worked so hard to attain.  My first night in my new home, I was unsuccessful in figuring out how to get hot water from the shower, and I didn’t have the language skills to ask my host mom what to do.  It’s been a very humbling experience.  But it’s an experience that’s forced me to reevaluate the answers that I have assumed to be true for some important questions in my life.

The first question was this: Am I willing to extend to myself the same grace that God extends me?  In high school, I had a teacher comment, “Sometimes I think we expect more from you than God does.”  And that is certainly true for my expectations of myself.  Time and time again in these last few weeks, I’ve felt God nudging me, asking me to give myself grace when I can’t communicate what I so desperately want to, or when I need to take yet another nap because I’m just so tired, or when I’m crying over some absolutely stupid thing going wrong.

And every time that happens, I have to ask myself the second question: Where does my value come from?  Because, if I’m being honest, I act most of the time as though my value comes from my ability to contribute to the environment that I’m in.  I think that I’m valued for being productive, or generous, or kind, or some other attribute that benefits the community I’m a part of.  But the truth is that I’m valued by God because I am His.  Period.  And so it’s been important for me to recognize that the reason this season of feeling incompetent has been so difficult is because I was placing my worth in my competence, rather than in my permanent status as God’s beloved child.  I was never going to be competent enough to be worthy of love, but it was easy to convince myself that I could do just that when I was in an environment where I was pretty darn good at what I did.  And so it’s been quite the experience to have all that stripped away from me.  But I’ve been so blessed to have God remind me daily that I am loved for me, not my skills or abilities.  And it’s also been such a blessing to have some incredible new coworkers that have encouraged and grounded me in this season.

So to answer the original question…What do I do now that my competencies have been stripped away?  First, I take this beautiful opportunity to recognize the lies I’ve been believing and realign myself with God’s truth.  Then, I learn to give myself grace in the struggle (and recognize that it’s okay to admit I’m struggling!).  Finally, as I slowly relearn how to be a functioning human being in this new environment, I remind myself every day that I am loved because of who I am as God’s child, not for what I can do.