Fully Known and Fully Loved

You are fully known and fully loved.

That sentence contains both my greatest fear and my greatest desire.  I don’t think I’m alone in that.  The idea of being fully known is terrifying because it makes me utterly vulnerable.  Being fully loved is the deepest desire of my soul.  But you cannot be fully loved without being fully known.  Being completely loved is only possible if the lover is privy to the entirety of the object of their love.  It’s like when someone is being sworn in at court and promises to tell “the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.”  Without those conditions, the truth can be manipulated and it’s not the perfect truth anymore.  The same is true of love.  If I am not wholly known I cannot be perfectly loved.

But being wholly known is so frightening that it is almost paralyzing.  Have you ever heard of Imposter Syndrome?  Imposter Syndrome is a psychological phenomenon where a person is constantly in fear of being exposed as a fraud, typically with regard to their personal or professional achievements, despite objective evidence of success.  Research by Jarawan Sakulku and James Alexander in the International Journal of Behavioral Science indicates that up to 70% of people will experience this phenomenon at least once in their lives.

I think that Imposter Syndrome applies in this situation.  The phrase, “if they really knew me…” comes to mind.  It’s this idea that if I don’t even like all of me, how can I expect someone else to? That I am unlovable because of my sin, or that others have a higher opinion of me than they would if they could see my darkness.  And so I hide my flaws from others because I don’t want them to think less of me.  I modulate my words and actions to appear more “acceptable.”  I become less than what I am in pursuit of being liked more.

There are a couple issues here, a few lies that I accepted as truth somewhere along the way.  This first is the idea that I have to be perfect to be loved, or that to be loved someone must like all of me.  Now I know this is a lie, because despite their being imperfect people (as we all are), I love my family dearly and I would do just about anything for them.  Nothing could ever get me to stop loving them.  And I may not know the depths of their hearts, but I have seen enough to dispel any illusion of perfection!  I also know that they love me, despite many years’ worth of evidence of my own imperfections.

So that is one lie that I can refute.  But there is an even more important truth to acknowledge.  Because although I do not doubt my parents’ love for me, they are imperfect people and they love me imperfectly, just as I am imperfect and love them imperfectly.  Yet there is One who loves me completely, fully, and perfectly, and that is God.  God does not just love us, He is love (1 John 4:8).  He is perfect and so is His love.  And we never have question, “if He really knew me…” because He does know us completely.  Psalm 139:13 says, “For your created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother’s womb.”  Since before we were ever born, God knew the trajectory of our lives, our hopes and desires, our secrets and our sins.  God is never surprised by what we think or feel or do.  And He chose to die for us regardless.  He chose to love us regardless.

And just a quick note here, when I was young, I used to think that God died for humanity as a collective, meaning that it might not have been worth it for him to die for me, individually, but it was worth it for him to die for humanity as a group.  But this just isn’t true.  The truth is that God loves us individually as well as collectively.  St. Augustine, a 4^th century Christian theologian and philosopher, is attributed with saying, “If you were the only person on earth, Christ would have still suffered and died for you.”

God is omniscient.  He knows all of us, even the deepest, darkest parts of our souls.  And he perfectly loves us anyway.  It’s such a wonderful thought that it’s almost beyond comprehension, but the greater joy is that it is true.

You are fully known.  But fear not, for you are also fully loved.

Sakulku, Jaruwan, and James Alexander. “The Imposter Phenomenon.” International Journal of Behavioral Science, www.tci-thaijo.org/index.php/IJBS/article/view/521/pdf.

Spring Cleaning Your Heart

Yay! It’s finally Spring! For my friends down South, there have already been multiple days over 80°, so you've had spring for a while.  And for my New England folks with yet another Nor’easter on the way…sorry.  Just sorry.  But anyway, in the spirit of spring, I’ve been slowly working on spring cleaning my apartment over the past week or so and finally finished last night (Praise the Lord for small apartments!)  I like spring cleaning, because it gives me the motivation to clean and organize my possessions.  Afterwards, everything looks so nice, and I always end up with a few things that I forgot I owned!  I’m actually fairly decent about cleaning on a regular basis, so thankfully it wasn’t too terribly difficult this year, but I definitely kick my cleaning regimen up a notch for spring cleaning from the normal cleaning process.

And as I’ve been going through this process, I’ve been reflecting on the fact that my heart could use some spring cleaning, which led me to contemplate how the two are similar.  Here’s what I came up with:

1. Right now, my love for God and my desire to do His will is hidden behind all the fear and selfishness and pride that builds up and clutters my brain and my heart.  So obviously I need to get rid of those things in order to better focus on God.  But just like I hesitate to throw away literally years old makeup (Yuck!) because I might want to use it*, I prepare to get rid of the sin pervading my life then hesitate at the last moment before getting rid of it for good.  Instead of rejecting it completely, I hold on to a piece of that sin because it’s comfortable and familiar and because I don’t really, fully trust that God is better.
2. Like my apartment will soon begin to get dirty again and I will have to get out the cleaning supplies once again, I also will not stop fighting with my sin until I see Jesus face to face.  But, the hope is that now that I have taken the time to deep clean my apartment/my heart, the next time I have to clean it will be quicker and easier.  It will be more maintenance than full-blown deep cleaning.  Instead of having to actively fight the urge to complain at work every shift, I will just need the occasional scriptural reminder to place my trust and my need for approval in God, rather than in my coworkers.  But I can’t get to that point without actively identifying and opposing the temptations in my life.

All that is great, but what does spring cleaning my heart really mean or practically look like?  I have a dear friend who runs Sweet Selah Ministries, and she has has taught me quite a bit about choosing to pause and rest in God.  Please note that this looks a little different for everyone, and the way I "spring clean" my heart will be different than how someone else does it.  The important part is pausing to connect with God in the way that works best for you.  Anyway, in opposition to the hustle and bustle of spring cleaning my apartment, spring cleaning my heart looks a lot more like setting aside an afternoon to read my Bible, journal, listen to some Christian music, work on a Bible study, pray, and listen to God’s voice.  It's choosing to examine those lies I’ve been believing (like the one where my sin is somehow more desirable than God).  Mostly it’s just being intentional and honest about where my heart/mind/soul are at, where I want them to be, and praying for God’s help in getting there.

Spring cleaning my heart has been just as, or even more important than spring cleaning my apartment.  Like so many things in life, it’s not necessarily easy, but it is certainly worthwhile.  Do you think it may be time for some spring cleaning in your heart, as well?

*As a point of interest, I did finally throw out that makeup

The Devil is a Liar

Today’s blog post is a bit different, and to be honest, I’m really not sure how it will work out since I’m pretty sure I have approximately 3 readers (hi, Dad!).  But I just finished reading The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis and I was reminded of the spiritual warfare that we face each day, even when we don’t recognize it.  And one of the Enemy’s greatest tools in spiritual warfare is the lies that we are told, or that we tell ourselves, each day.  I’m a big fan of recognizing and confronting spiritual warfare, so today I wanted to dig in a bit to one of the lies that I’ve been struggling with lately, as well as open up the opportunity for y’all to share any lies you may be facing.

Here goes: I’ve really been struggling lately with not feeling close to God.  There are a lot of reasons for this: I’m not as plugged into godly community right now as I was back in college, and if I’m being really honest here I’ve not been as consistent with my quiet times as I would like.  While there is certainly room to improve there, it has brought back a lie that I have struggled with for some time, which is that when I don’t feel close to God then I’m not close to God and/or I’m doing something wrong in my Christian walk.

Praise God that is not how Christianity works. 

1) To use some “Christianese,” we cannot live in the mountaintops.  As a simple human, I cannot sustain the emotional highs of being close to God.  My life is lived in a series of mountains and valleys and the transition between them.  The mountains and the valleys are revealing and sometimes life changing, but most of life is lived somewhere in between.  And that’s a good thing!  Because in this in-between space I have the opportunity to be faithful and obedient despite not “feeling” close to God.  In The Screwtape Letters, Wormwood (the master tempter) says to his nephew (a junior tempter), 

“Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring but still intending to do our Enemy’s will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.”  

Now I’m not sure I’m quite there yet, though I’ve certainly had days of questioning like this in the past, but it was still a striking reminder that my obedience should not be based on my emotions, but on my trust in God’s character and the promise that I have made to follow him unequivocally.

2) I am so very grateful that God has promised, “never will I leave you; never will I forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5, Joshua 1:5).  Over and over again, God promises to be with us (Mt 28:20, Joshua 1:9, etc.) promises that he is faithful (Dt 7:9, Ps 33:4, etc.), promises himself to us (Eph 5:25-27).  His promises are true and trustworthy (Ps 145:17).  So when I’m exhausted from trying to hold on and make myself feel something, I can take peace and comfort from the fact that God will never let me go.  I am his and I am his forever.  I love the line in Just Be Held by Casting Crowns that says to “stop holding on and just be held.”  Sometime I’m like a little child, try to clutch so tightly to God for fear that he will disappear, when all I need to do is relax and be held, knowing that I am secure in his love and in his care.

When I’m caught in the grip of a lie, the most effective thing for me to do is remember that while my emotions may deceive me, I can trust in the truth of God’s word.  These Bible verses remind me that the truth of the situation is far removed from my anxious imaginings.  Whatever lie I’m facing, a verse I turn to often is Proverbs 3:5-6, which says to “trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your path.”  The lies that cloud my mind can often confuse me, but I know that I can trust God, the author of truth, to direct my path and reveal these lies for what they are.

So that’s been my struggle over the past few weeks.  Is there anything that has been on your heart that you’ve been struggling with, or maybe a lie that you are just now recognizing?  I’d love to hear about it to celebrate God revealing truth, or maybe if you are just recognizing a lie to pray for you and share some Bible verses that can combat it.  Feel free to leave a comment below or message me!  As always, I'm praying for you!