Learning & Growing

One of my main focuses for this year is short-term medical teams. Youth World has a few ministries that work with short-term teams and they have done frankly a fantastic job at making sure we’re following best practices to create experiences that are positive, healthy, and sustainable for *everyone* involved. However, short-term medical teams come with a different level of risk than standard short-term teams and we haven’t previously had any health professionals on the team who could speak into that specific risk and create best practices to account for them.

 

There’s a Maya Angelou quote that I absolutely love and quote all the time which says, “Do your best until you know better, then do better.” I really believe this quote is true and I try hard to strive for that, but part of that process is realizing that what you did, while it may have been your best at the time, wasn’t the best and may have even been wrong or hurtful. And that is a tough realization. Especially in ministry there’s a great temptation to hide any hurts we cause and focus solely on the wins. But the truth is that's a temptation from the enemy. Yes, my newsletters curated because there’s only so much I can say in a quick email. But I hope that they’re always truthful. There is a huge difference between “editing for length and clarity” (as all the interviews say) and curating a story to hide from the truth.

 

So that brings us to now, with Youth World and short-term medical teams. Last month I went with a college team to a clinic to observe and share with our ministry running the team about what went well and what process we can/need to improve. It was a really sweet team full of young women who were excited and caring and honestly very capable for where they are at in their studies. However, there were some really concerning things happening at the clinic, too. One of our new Ecuadorian hosts was on the team and she said, “it feels like this is more about the students than the patients.” Ouch. There’s a big part of me that did *not* want to write that sentence. Because that is not what we’re about at Youth World. But we can’t learn and grow if we never face those criticisms. And I can’t lean on you all to hold me accountable if I’m not honest about both our failures and our successes.

Let’s be clear. Focusing more on the students than the patients is a failure on our part. But going back to that Maya Angelou quote, failure isn’t shameful. It’s an opportunity for growth and improvement. We’ve been doing short-term medical teams with the best of intentions, but sometimes those good intentions aren’t enough. Sometimes those good intentions can lead to actively harmful actions. So we seek out feedback and we apologize and we make changes for the future. Which is where we are now. I’m thankful to be part of a ministry and a team that values doing better once we know better. And I’m so thankful that our team actively seeks to learn what the best practices are. And now we start the hard and long work of doing better. Thank you for your support on that eternal journey.

The Eternal Struggle

"I believe.  Help me in my unbelief."

Most of the time, I like to live in my make-believe world where I’m in control of my life and the situations I find myself in.  But every once in a while, like this week, God pulls the wool from over my eyes and I am reminded of just how little I actually have control over.  During those glimpses into reality, I can feel the anxiety building within me: the tightening in my chest, the whirring of my thoughts.

And yet in those moments, God, who is so gracious, never fails to remind me that He is with me, that He is and has been in control this whole time, that I can trust Him.  And my response is almost always that of the man in Mark 9:24.  “I believe.  Help me in my unbelief.”  I know that what God tells me is true.  I know that it is far better to let go and trust Him with my very self.  And yet, there is a strong part of me that rebels against that.  It rebels because of sin, yes, but mostly because of fear.  It is absolutely terrifying to face the reality that I am not and can never be fully in control, even as I recognize that I am not the one who should be in control.

Yet God is so incredibly gracious and patient with me, because each time I make this request of Him, He does.  God never gives up on me or even rebukes me for my unbelief.  He honors my heart, which desires to let go of the overwhelming fear and choose to have faith in him.  He holds my hand and whispers to me His promises over and over again: that He is with me, that He will never let go, that I can trust in Him.

And for a moment, I believe.

This is a time and season of great uncertainty.  Fear will assault each of us in different ways.  But each time we are assaulted, we have a choice to make.  Belief and unbelief live within each of us.  Which will we choose to fight, and which will we choose to embrace?

For the Love of Comfort

For the last 20ish years of my life, I’ve been learning how to be a competent, productive member of society.  And I feel like I’ve been pretty successful at that.  So the question is, what do I do now that I’m in a place where 90% of my competency has been stripped away?

I moved to a new country just over a month ago and it has been one of my most humbling, difficult experiences of my life.  When I got here, my level of communication in Spanish was roughly that of a semi-literate toddler (or at least it felt that way to me!).  I couldn’t get around on my own, go to the grocery store, or hold a basic conversation with anyone, much less use any of the professional skills that I worked so hard to attain.  My first night in my new home, I was unsuccessful in figuring out how to get hot water from the shower, and I didn’t have the language skills to ask my host mom what to do.  It’s been a very humbling experience.  But it’s an experience that’s forced me to reevaluate the answers that I have assumed to be true for some important questions in my life.

The first question was this: Am I willing to extend to myself the same grace that God extends me?  In high school, I had a teacher comment, “Sometimes I think we expect more from you than God does.”  And that is certainly true for my expectations of myself.  Time and time again in these last few weeks, I’ve felt God nudging me, asking me to give myself grace when I can’t communicate what I so desperately want to, or when I need to take yet another nap because I’m just so tired, or when I’m crying over some absolutely stupid thing going wrong.

And every time that happens, I have to ask myself the second question: Where does my value come from?  Because, if I’m being honest, I act most of the time as though my value comes from my ability to contribute to the environment that I’m in.  I think that I’m valued for being productive, or generous, or kind, or some other attribute that benefits the community I’m a part of.  But the truth is that I’m valued by God because I am His.  Period.  And so it’s been important for me to recognize that the reason this season of feeling incompetent has been so difficult is because I was placing my worth in my competence, rather than in my permanent status as God’s beloved child.  I was never going to be competent enough to be worthy of love, but it was easy to convince myself that I could do just that when I was in an environment where I was pretty darn good at what I did.  And so it’s been quite the experience to have all that stripped away from me.  But I’ve been so blessed to have God remind me daily that I am loved for me, not my skills or abilities.  And it’s also been such a blessing to have some incredible new coworkers that have encouraged and grounded me in this season.

So to answer the original question…What do I do now that my competencies have been stripped away?  First, I take this beautiful opportunity to recognize the lies I’ve been believing and realign myself with God’s truth.  Then, I learn to give myself grace in the struggle (and recognize that it’s okay to admit I’m struggling!).  Finally, as I slowly relearn how to be a functioning human being in this new environment, I remind myself every day that I am loved because of who I am as God’s child, not for what I can do.

Spring Cleaning Your Heart

Yay! It’s finally Spring! For my friends down South, there have already been multiple days over 80°, so you've had spring for a while.  And for my New England folks with yet another Nor’easter on the way…sorry.  Just sorry.  But anyway, in the spirit of spring, I’ve been slowly working on spring cleaning my apartment over the past week or so and finally finished last night (Praise the Lord for small apartments!)  I like spring cleaning, because it gives me the motivation to clean and organize my possessions.  Afterwards, everything looks so nice, and I always end up with a few things that I forgot I owned!  I’m actually fairly decent about cleaning on a regular basis, so thankfully it wasn’t too terribly difficult this year, but I definitely kick my cleaning regimen up a notch for spring cleaning from the normal cleaning process.

And as I’ve been going through this process, I’ve been reflecting on the fact that my heart could use some spring cleaning, which led me to contemplate how the two are similar.  Here’s what I came up with:

1. Right now, my love for God and my desire to do His will is hidden behind all the fear and selfishness and pride that builds up and clutters my brain and my heart.  So obviously I need to get rid of those things in order to better focus on God.  But just like I hesitate to throw away literally years old makeup (Yuck!) because I might want to use it*, I prepare to get rid of the sin pervading my life then hesitate at the last moment before getting rid of it for good.  Instead of rejecting it completely, I hold on to a piece of that sin because it’s comfortable and familiar and because I don’t really, fully trust that God is better.
2. Like my apartment will soon begin to get dirty again and I will have to get out the cleaning supplies once again, I also will not stop fighting with my sin until I see Jesus face to face.  But, the hope is that now that I have taken the time to deep clean my apartment/my heart, the next time I have to clean it will be quicker and easier.  It will be more maintenance than full-blown deep cleaning.  Instead of having to actively fight the urge to complain at work every shift, I will just need the occasional scriptural reminder to place my trust and my need for approval in God, rather than in my coworkers.  But I can’t get to that point without actively identifying and opposing the temptations in my life.

All that is great, but what does spring cleaning my heart really mean or practically look like?  I have a dear friend who runs Sweet Selah Ministries, and she has has taught me quite a bit about choosing to pause and rest in God.  Please note that this looks a little different for everyone, and the way I "spring clean" my heart will be different than how someone else does it.  The important part is pausing to connect with God in the way that works best for you.  Anyway, in opposition to the hustle and bustle of spring cleaning my apartment, spring cleaning my heart looks a lot more like setting aside an afternoon to read my Bible, journal, listen to some Christian music, work on a Bible study, pray, and listen to God’s voice.  It's choosing to examine those lies I’ve been believing (like the one where my sin is somehow more desirable than God).  Mostly it’s just being intentional and honest about where my heart/mind/soul are at, where I want them to be, and praying for God’s help in getting there.

Spring cleaning my heart has been just as, or even more important than spring cleaning my apartment.  Like so many things in life, it’s not necessarily easy, but it is certainly worthwhile.  Do you think it may be time for some spring cleaning in your heart, as well?

*As a point of interest, I did finally throw out that makeup

What We May Become

“We know what we are now, but know not what we may become.”  Ophelia, Hamlet, Act 4, Scene 5

It’s the dawn of a new year, and with a new year comes a myriad of possibilities.  What will this year hold?  This past year was filled with changes and uncertainty, but also real progress.  I graduated college, moved to a new city, started a new career, and made connections that will potentially lead to missions opportunities.  All of that was incredible and difficult and exciting.  It helped grow me into the person I am becoming, into the person I want to be. 

But the tricky thing about possibilities is that it goes both ways.  If I am not actively striving to be a better person, then I will inevitably become a worse one.  Inside each of us is potential.  Potential for good and potential for evil.  I want to nurture that potential for good.  I want to look more like Jesus each day.  I want to serve and bring joy and be who God created me to be.  My soul sings just writing those words because I can feel the truth in them.

Yet, I also know that my natural instinct is to give in to selfishness and fear.  I do not want to put myself out there to accomplish those things.  I am afraid of rejection and failure, and I’m so tired from simply living that serving others sounds exhausting.

So every day, every moment I must make a decision.  Will I choose to do what I was created to do?  Will I be brave enough to the needs of others ahead of my wants?  Or will I choose to indulge my selfish nature?

As obvious as the answer seems, this is not a black and white situation.  Some days I will choose right, but often I will choose wrong.  For those days and those moments I beg forgiveness.  And I beg for strength to make the right choice next time.  And that is the joy of a new year; it reminds me that there will always be a next time.  On the days that I give into my sinful nature, I take solace in the fact that I have an ever-gracious Father who forgives me and grants me another opportunity to play a part in his kingdom.  For “His mercies are made new every morning” (Lamentations 3:23).  I will not always choose to serve.  I will not always choose to stop and help.  I will not always choose to be kind.  But I am always forgiven when I repent of my failures.   And I am so very grateful for that.

So this year what possibilities await you?  Whatever this year holds, remember that each day is a new opportunity.  Use it wisely, but if one day or week is rough, remember that there is a fresh start coming with the dawn.