The Eternal Struggle

"I believe.  Help me in my unbelief."

Most of the time, I like to live in my make-believe world where I’m in control of my life and the situations I find myself in.  But every once in a while, like this week, God pulls the wool from over my eyes and I am reminded of just how little I actually have control over.  During those glimpses into reality, I can feel the anxiety building within me: the tightening in my chest, the whirring of my thoughts.

And yet in those moments, God, who is so gracious, never fails to remind me that He is with me, that He is and has been in control this whole time, that I can trust Him.  And my response is almost always that of the man in Mark 9:24.  “I believe.  Help me in my unbelief.”  I know that what God tells me is true.  I know that it is far better to let go and trust Him with my very self.  And yet, there is a strong part of me that rebels against that.  It rebels because of sin, yes, but mostly because of fear.  It is absolutely terrifying to face the reality that I am not and can never be fully in control, even as I recognize that I am not the one who should be in control.

Yet God is so incredibly gracious and patient with me, because each time I make this request of Him, He does.  God never gives up on me or even rebukes me for my unbelief.  He honors my heart, which desires to let go of the overwhelming fear and choose to have faith in him.  He holds my hand and whispers to me His promises over and over again: that He is with me, that He will never let go, that I can trust in Him.

And for a moment, I believe.

This is a time and season of great uncertainty.  Fear will assault each of us in different ways.  But each time we are assaulted, we have a choice to make.  Belief and unbelief live within each of us.  Which will we choose to fight, and which will we choose to embrace?